Roll It Over, Kick It Out, Cough It Up!
by Linda Larsen, CSP
© Copyright 2000

In the fourth century, B.C., Aristotle wrote: "It is easy to fly into a passion - anybody can do that - but to be angry with the right person to the right extent and at the right time and with the right object and in the right way - that is not easy."

You said it, Ari.

OK - so sometimes - when all the stars are lined up right, and you can actually remember some of the techniques you've learned about how to manage your own anger - when you're in the right place, the time is right (no one else is around except the offending party) and you are in control of your emotions, you might be able to express your anger in an appropriate manner.

Yes. Every once in a while - all those elements actually line up. But what happens when they don't? What do you do when the steam starts to come out of your ears, your teeth start to grind and the words are pounding at the door of your mouth demanding to be let out? Here are four concrete action steps you can take to get yourself back in control before you confront the person:

1. Get out of the room. Make an excuse. Have a couple of stock responses in your communication tool box ready to insert at a moment's notice. Something like, "I need to think about this. I'll be right back." Or, "I have an urgent thing to attend to. I'll be back in a moment." You might even say, "I want to hear your concerns. They are important to me. Right now I am very angry about this whole thing. It is NOT a good time for me to listen or to speak. I will return in a moment." Don't just glare at the person, smirk, snort, turn on your heel and stomp out. The last memory you ever have could be right before that huge brick hits the back of your head. Not good.

2. Repeat your Release Mantra. A Release Mantra is any phrase that demands of your subconscious that it let go of the intensity of the anger. Reasonable anger is fine. Unreasonable anger is the stuff of which regrets are made. Jail time, too.
My friend, Janice repeats something like, "Breathe it out, let it go, move it on...Breathe it out, let it go, move it on....Breathe it out, let it go, move it on..." She does this until she feels her heart rate slow down and her breathing return to normal. You can use your own words - whatever works for you. I developed one that actually makes me laugh.

One day when I had been through "voice mail hell" for about 30 minutes only to wind up right back where I started, I slammed down the phone and started bemoaning my miserable lot in life. Although my husband had heard me using Janice's words before in times of high anger, and had gotten the gist of the phrase, he had never heard exactly what words I was using. So this day he commented to me, "Honey, do that thing! Say those words! You know what is it....roll it over, kick it out, cough it up!"

I immediately shifted from a negative state to a positive one in a nanosecond.
So, ease it out, slip it off, burp it up. Do what ever it takes to get that damaging garbage out of your body and mind so that you can think clearly and speak with clarity and power.

3. Move your body! While you're out collecting yourself - put your body into motion. Start pumping some oxygen to your brain and some relaxing endorphins into your body. Walk, run up the stairs, swing from the rafters. Do something physical.

4. Go back and deal with the issue. I know people who think that if they ignore a problem long enough it will just go away of its own accord. It won't. You must go back. But now when you do return, you will have calmed yourself down and figured out exactly what you want to say.

There are never any guarantees that in those times of high stress we won't lose it, but by taking the above steps we increase the odds that we can get to an amicable resolution. And the more you practice these steps, the better you will get at it. Maybe the first time you will lose it for 2 full minutes before you'll remember to get out of the room. Instead of beating yourself up because you forgot, applaud yourself for remembering at all! The next time maybe it will only take you 30 seconds to remember what to do. Stick with it. Ultimately you will create a new habit. One that serves you well.

And, of course, don't forget to roll it over, kick it out, cough it up!

Word count: 821

Tag line: Linda Larsen, CSP, helps individuals think strategically, communicate effectively, and celebrate success. She is an international keynote speaker, trial consultant and author of the book, True Power, and the best selling audio program, 12 Secrets to High Self-Esteem. She can be reached at www.lindalarsen.com or 941-927-4700.

 

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