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Lookin' Good and Bein' Right
by Linda Larsen, CSP
© Copyright 2000

Yes, it's true. We are all hardwired with a need to look good and be right. Think about it. No one wants to look bad or be wrong - at least not in front of another person. And isn't that exactly what happens when someone tries to give you a little "corrective" feedback. You feel humiliated, embarrassed and often angry.

Have you ever had any of these thoughts go through your mind when someone tells you they're not happy with you? Things like:
"Well, she's got no room to talk!"
"He's just jealous of me."
"Yeah, right. Like his opinion really means anything."
"She's just so negative and nitpicky."

The list could go on and on. We've all had those responses. But why is that? In his book, Life Strategies, Dr. Philip McGraw tells us that there are ten fundamental things that are characteristic and common to all human beings. Here are the top two:

The number one fear of all people is - rejection
The number one need of all people is - acceptance

In order to effectively manage people - you must do so in a way that enhances or protects their self-esteem

Bingo. There's the answer. If someone tells you that you did something wrong, or they don't like something you did, you might feel rejected, you certainly do not feel accepted and it might feel like your self-esteem has been undermined. Of course, objectively you know that's not what happened. That person did nothing more than express an opinion about an action of yours. You might have interpreted their communication to mean all those negative things, but in reality, what they said had no meaning - other than the one you attached to it. Period.

OK, so maybe the other person has no skills and is really bad at giving feedback. It is still up to you to separate yourself from the criticism. For example, if someone criticizes a report you did, you could think to yourself, "OK, I am an intelligent, worthwhile, capable individual. This report is lousy. I am not the report."

Easy to do? No. Imperative that you do it? Yes. You absolutely cannot advance yourself in this lifetime, either professionally or personally, while repeatedly taking umbrage at the comments of others. One: you'll go under. Two: it really aggravates other people. And three: you NEED to know how others are perceiving you and your actions.

So, let's now take this awareness over to other side of the communication model - to the times when you must be the giver of the feedback. When you are in the position of giving feedback, why not make a conscious choice do it with compassion, awareness and sensitivity. You can still state your thoughts and make a clear request for a new behavior; you'll just do it with a greater sense of the big picture and of what's truly important.

How do you do that? By letting go of your need to be right about how wrong they are! Or by letting go of your need to make them look bad in order that you can look good. Check out your intentions. If any of that is present in your consciousness, it will filter into your communication.

Another specific thing you can do before you give feedback is to ask yourself the following question: What could have been his logical justification for having done what he did. Why would it have made sense to him to take this action? Then, when you give your feedback to him, mention this idea.

For instance, let's say that your coworker, Mike, continually interrupts you when you're on the phone. First think, "Wow, how would he justify doing this?" Maybe you conclude that he might think what he has to say is very important. Accordingly, you could say the following: "Mike, when you talk to me while I'm on the phone, I can't hear what you're saying, or what my customer is saying. I understand that what you have to tell me is really important to you and, what I need is for you to give me a high sign or a note, and I'll buzz you as soon as I'm off the phone."

Excellent. You're not making him wrong for doing what he did. You're simply saying that it's not an effective action and you need him to do something different.

If you will consciously factor this awareness into your behaviors, whether you are on the giving or receiving end of criticism, you will begin to notice some very positive outcomes. Relationships will improve, people become more willing to learn and grow and conflicts become minimized.

Oh, and you'll look awfully good in the process!

Word count: 786

Tag line: Linda Larsen, CSP, helps individuals think strategically, communicate effectively, and celebrate success. She is an international keynote speaker, trial consultant and author of the book, True Power, and the best selling audio program, 12 Secrets to High Self-Esteem. She can be reached at www.lindalarsen.com or 941-927-4700.

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