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Say the Right Thing First!!!!
by Linda Larsen, CSP
© Copyright 2000
When someone espouses a point of view that is different from what you believe, or tells you that you were wrong about something, or expresses their anger to you in some less-than-professional manner, your automatic response may not be the most effective one to employ.
In order to understand this, let's first look at following precept. I believe that we are all driven by two basic needs: The need to LOOK GOOD and BE RIGHT. Think about it. Does this interaction sound in any way familiar?
"How ya doin' today, George?"
"Oh, I'm lookin' good and bein' right, how about you?"
"Hey, me too!"
"Cool. See ya later."
OK, maybe those aren't the exact words, but you get the picture.
Now let's look at what might be a typical automatic response when we are contradicted in some fashion:
"Well, let me tell you why that isn't correct."
"You've got your facts wrong."
"That's not right."
"I didn't do that."
"If you'll just calm down."
And the problem with those responses is that every one of them tells the other person that they are wrong. And how do they further interpret that? They further interpret it to mean that you think they are stupid or look bad. And when you make someone look bad or be wrong - you are dead in the water. Simply put - they don't like you. And when someone doesn't like you - they certainly don't want to make you look good by telling you that you are right!
Something has to give here, and you are just the one to do it. All you have to do is to make certain that the first thing out of your mouth is a statement that in some way acknowledges what they believe or what they are feeling. Notice I didn't say, "agree with them" - rather that you hear them and respect their feelings. Here are some examples:
"I can certainly understand why that would make sense to you."
"I can see how frustrating that would have been."
"I hear you. You're saying ....." (Here you say basically what they just said, only in your words.)
"Sounds like you have some information I don't have. Please tell me what that is. When you're finished, I'll share some information I have. But you go first."
"You sound very committed to this position. I'm interested in hearing what led you to this conclusion."
In these examples, you see, you didn't first disagree with the other person by telling them they are wrong. Rather you acknowledged them and let them speak. By doing so you have just accomplished 3 things.
1. You honored their need to look good
2. You strengthened your relationship rather than weakened it
3. You created a possibility that you might actually hear something you didn't know (what a concept!) and...
4. You have dramatically increased the odds that the other person will listen to you when they are finished.
Please understand, these responses don't come naturally. It's all we can do to wait long enough for them to shut up so that we can tell them how wrong they are and how right we are. We actually believe that by saying, "Yes, but..." we've done all we need to do. And FYI:"Yes, but..." usually means, "No, and..."
But the bottom line is this: That strategy won't get you the response you are looking for.
Here's a way to take this awareness from a concept to a practice. Start by paying close attention to how you respond when someone contradicts you or gets angry with you. Just notice your knee jerk reaction. Take a breath, and in that moment make a different choice as to how you will respond. Use one of the above statements. And then notice what amazing results you get.
And by the way, you will look reeeeeeeally good when you do this.
Word count: 650
Tag line: Linda Larsen, CSP, helps individuals think strategically, communicate effectively, and celebrate success. She is an international keynote speaker, trial consultant and author of the book, True Power, and the best selling audio program, 12 Secrets to High Self-Esteem. She can be reached at www.lindalarsen.com or 941-927-4700.
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