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'Tis the Season: How to Get What You Want
by Linda Larsen, CSP
© Copyright 2000
I was watching Dr. Phil McGraw on Oprah's show the other day and saw the most fascinating thing. At Phil's request, eight couples in the audience volunteered to do an exercise. Facing each other, one person stood while the other one sat in their seat. Phil told the standing person that they were to get their partner to stand up by simply saying, "Stand up." That's all they could say. No force, no physical action - simply the words, "stand up."
The sitting person was instructed thus: Stand up when you feel like it.
Once they stood, then both people were to sit down.
To work they went. Almost everyone got their partner to stand either immediately, or soon thereafter. After about one minute, there was one couple left. The man was standing and the woman was sitting. The camera focused in on him.
"Stand up." He commanded. She didn't move.
"Stand up." He said again, a little firmer. Still, no movement on her part.
One eyebrow lifted and his eyes narrowed as he, once again, commanded, "Stand up!" She looked him directly in the eye, but didn't budge.
Finally, Phil asked the man, "Sir, what's going on?"
The man replied, "Well, she's not standing up!"
Phil asked the woman, "Why not?"
She responded, "I feel like he's being demanding and rather rude. I don't want to stand up."
Phil then said to the man, "Sir - if you are not getting what you want - then why do you continue to do the same thing? Yes, you had to use the words, 'stand up', but why didn't you change how you were saying it? Why didn't you charm her with those words, or seduce her or have fun with her or cajole her - with those words. Why did you think that if you just kept on doing what you were already doing, but did it harder, then you'd get what you want?"
Phil's bottom line was this: If you keep on doing what you've always done - you'll keep on getting what you've always gotten! If it ain't working - CHANGE YOUR APPROACH!!!
I remember I had a friend once who lamented that her boyfriend didn't call her as frequently as she wanted. Of course, when he did finally call, she would drill him about why he hadn't called sooner! Can you see why he might not WANT to call?
So what might she have done differently? How about communicating with fun and joy when he called. How about sounding happy to hear from him - not angry. How about speaking in a way that made him smile when he just thought about calling and - made him actually want to call her.
Please hear me. I am not saying be phony or pretend. I'm not saying never ask for what you want. Go ahead and ask - just do it in a way that elicits the response that you want.
Look around. Is there a place in your life, or within a relationship, where you have ever heard yourself say, "If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times..."? Or, "How many times have I said..."? If there is - then Bingo! THERE is the place to begin to make some changes.
You can ask again - but do something different. Sweeten the pot. Show your appreciation. Have some fun. Implement a reward. Sing their praises. Get creative.
'Tis the season. Make them want to give you what you are asking for!
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Tag line: Linda Larsen, CSP, helps individuals think strategically, communicate effectively, and celebrate success. She is an international keynote speaker, trial consultant and author of the book, True Power, and the best selling audio program, 12 Secrets to High Self-Esteem. She can be reached at www.lindalarsen.com or 941-927-4700.
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