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Not Knowing - It's a Good Thing
by Linda Larsen, CSP
© Copyright 2000

I'm always looking for ways to enhance my relationships, to take them to the next level, and to make them stronger and healthier. Consequently, I have invested a lot of time and energy studying what makes them work, and what can insure their demise. While there are plenty of things we can do to wreck a relationship (I've had some good practice here!), there is one thing that is guaranteed to strengthen the connection tremendously. And that is - not knowing.
Not knowing? Excuse me?

Let me explain. Did you grow up with a parent or older sibling who always knew everything? Someone who was infallible (at least in their own mind), had all the answers and wouldn't even entertain the remote possibility that YOU might have something of value to say - or that YOU could be right about something? If you remember correctly, even if they DID listen to you, they did it with an attitude of, "OK, I'll let you talk - but I'm right and you're wrong, and we all know it."

Did that make you love them even more? Did it make you want to say to them, "Oh my gosh, you are so right about everything! You must be a God. Would you please let me grovel at your feet and learn from you?" Or did it make you feel insignificant, stupid and resentful?

Back in another life I had an 18 year old step son named Troy that, for whatever reasons, I had a challenging time with. I thought he was spoiled, impolite and unwilling to listen (to my brilliant wisdom), and I'm sure he had some colorful language to describe me, as well. I tried everything I could to improve our relationship, but nothing seemed to work.

One day I decided that I was going to try a new approach. I asked myself the following question: "What does Troy know that I don't know?" The first answer that popped in my head was, "Nothing. He's just a spoiled know-it-all kid." I had to force myself to ponder the question for a good long while before I finally discovered an answer.

"Oh yeah," I thought. "He knows about physical workouts ." As a player on his high school football team he worked out and lifted weights regularly. He was committed to the process and was really in great physical shape.

When he came home that evening I said to him, "Troy, how did you get in such great shape? I mean I know you work out, but how do you do it? Is there a special technique? You must know a lot about it since you've been doing it for so long and have had such great results."

I will never forget his response. At first he looked at me as if he couldn't figure out who had suddenly possessed my body. Then he said, "Well, yeah. There are lots of things you have to know in order to do it right. You could really hurt yourself if you do it wrong."

"Tell me more," I said.

And he did. And I listened. I mean really listened. For almost 2 hours. I asked more questions and got some great answers. And as I did, I discovered a few great things.

1. I learned some fascinating things about the anatomy of the body and how to build muscle and reduce fat.
2. I learned that he was an intelligent, knowledgeable young man.
3. I noticed how important he seemed to feel as he taught me something that I didn't know.
4. The process of letting him teach me something greatly enhanced the quality of our relationship.

Who do you have in your life, at work or at home, who is your "Troy"? That know-it-all who really DOES know something about some thing, if you would stop being aggravated long enough to figure out what it is. Is it gardening or some software program? Maybe they know how to avoid getting colds or play softball or do line dancing. Figure out what it is and then go ask them how they do it. The question, remember, is "I know nothing about that. How did you get so good at it?" Then, remember, you must really, actively listen - with full attention and interest.

Choose at least 2 people to try this with - maybe one at work and one at home. Notice what wonderful results you begin to get.

Not knowing - it's a very smart thing to do.

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Tag line: Linda Larsen, CSP, helps individuals think strategically, communicate effectively, and celebrate success. She is an international keynote speaker, trial consultant and author of the book, True Power, and the best selling audio program, 12 Secrets to High Self-Esteem. She can be reached at www.lindalarsen.com or 941-927-4700.

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