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Magic Words
by Linda Larsen, CSP
© Copyright 2000

Have you ever had this happen to you? You explained something to someone, and you thought you were pretty clear, but they apparently didn’t hear you correctly? And maybe you discovered this breakdown because they either repeated what you said – and it was wrong - or, they told someone else what you said – and it absolutely was NOT what you said at all.
If this has happened to you, and you’re like most people, you probably then set out to tell the other person that they misunderstood you, and that what you really said was "x"…

Well, if it’s true that we are all driven by the need to "look good and be right" (and I truly believe it is) we can see where this could create a bit of a problem. It could well be your need to "look good and be right" that’s behind your need to correct them. Here’s the problem, though. By doing so, you have just made them look bad and be wrong. And that will not endear them to you. It won’t make them walk away thinking, "Gosh, I like her so much. When I’m wrong about something, she’ll be the first one to let me know. How did I ever manage before I met her."

No. What probably happened is that they honestly DID hear what they thought they heard. And as far as they are concerned - YOU are the problem.

OK, so let’s get to the bottom line here. You want them to understand your meaning. You have been led to believe that in order for them to get your true meaning, you must first point out how they got it wrong. And if you do that – you begin to erode the foundation of your relationship. And when that happens, they will probably put up a wall in their minds – that will further obscure your meaning.

Here’s a better idea. Instead of saying the same old thing – why not try something different? Instead of words that make the other person feel inadequate, why not use words that put you in the responsibility seat and take the onus off them.

A more effective way of getting what you want might sound like this:

"Oh, I’m sorry. I must not have been clear in my communication. What I intended to say was…"

Magic! Magic! You will observe that absolutely NO defenses go up in the other person. They remain open to hearing what you have to say. And most important – they may now get the meaning that you intended. And why? Because you took responsibility as the sender of the message.

Yes, there is a cost. You have to give up your need to be right by letting them know that they were wrong. But the payoff is worth the cost. And, after a while, you’ll start to feel in total control of the situation.

So memorize those words: "Oh, I’m sorry. I must not have been clear in my communication. What I intended to say was…" Use them every opportunity you get. You will be delighted at the results and amazed at how easy and effortless it becomes.

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Tag line: Linda Larsen, CSP, helps individuals think strategically, communicate effectively, and celebrate success. She is an international keynote speaker, trial consultant and author of the book, True Power, and the best selling audio program, 12 Secrets to High Self-Esteem. She can be reached at www.lindalarsen.com or 941-927-4700.

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