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How to Destroy a Relationship
by Linda Larsen, CSP
© Copyright 2005

Since the 1980’s, John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington has brought together over 3,000 couples with the intention to study their interactions and, based on their behaviors and how they communicate with each other, determine whether or not they will still be married fifteen years later. His accuracy rate, if he watches them interact for one hour, is a whopping 95%!

He has found that his information comes by focusing on the presence of what he calls the Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. And the most important one in determining if the marriage is in trouble – is contempt.

I consulted the dictionary to get clear on the meaning of contempt. Here’s what I found: “Contempt is disapproval tinged with disgust for what seems mean, base or worthless.”

Well, that makes sense. If you believed that your spouse, partner, or significant other in ANY way thought of you as mean, base or worthless – and/or felt ANY amount of disapproval and/or disgust for you, you’d know your relationship was in trouble. But let’s focus for a moment on how YOU perceive your significant other. Because here’s the challenge: The people who engage in those behaviors (defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt) usually are not aware that they are doing it.

BIG QUESTION: Might you be unknowingly exhibiting any of those behaviors? It can happen. I think I have one of the healthiest, best relationships in the world, but if I am reeeeeally honest, I might admit that when I am not paying attention, defensiveness can creep into my interactions. I’m getting better, but I have to be ever-vigilant.

Action Plan: Sit down with your mate, and tell him (a man for purposes of this example) that because you value your relationship with him, you want to make certain that you don’t unwittingly do anything to jeopardize it. Tell him about Dr. Gottman’s work and then ask him if you are ever guilty of any of those four behaviors.

Now, more than likely, you have never asked this before. AND, it’s quite possible he could think, “Uh oh. This is a trap. The right answer MUST be, ‘Oh no, you don’t EVER do any of those things.’” Accordingly, that might be how he responds. Don’t drop it there though. Persist by saying, “Honey, I know I probably don’t do any of these to any big degree, but is there one or more of them that I ever slip into unknowingly?”

Interestingly, he might again say, “No. You’re perfect.” And if that happens, respond with, “Oh, I’m sure it’s not anything blatant. But if I DID do one of them, to some very slight degree, which one would it be?”

You might then get a response like, “Well, you hardly EVER do it. And it’s not even worth mentioning, but sometimes - I can’t even remember when - I think you might have a tendency to criticize me.”

THIS IS THE MAKE-OR-BREAK MOMENT!!!! RESIST the temptation to say, “What! Are you crazy? I don’t ever do THAT!!! Name a time! Name just one!!!”

If you do respond like that, he will more than likely clam up (some people call it stonewalling) and you will defeat your purpose. The bottom line is - how can you ever correct a problem that you won’t acknowledge and discuss?

Then once it’s up on the board you can tell him how much you appreciate him letting you know and that you will consciously work on correcting it. You could also ask him to calmly point it out to you when you are doing it, in case you are not aware.

When you are doing all this, just remember the words of that famous slogan button I am so fond of quoting:

“The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off!”

Word count: 640

Tag line: Linda Larsen, CSP, helps individuals think strategically, communicate effectively, and celebrate success. She is an international keynote speaker, trial consultant and author of the book, True Power, and the best selling audio program, 12 Secrets to High Self-Esteem. She can be reached at www.lindalarsen.com or 941-927-4700.

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