Positively Speaking by Linda Larsen

September 2008
Copyright 2008

by Linda Larsen

The Oh-So-Challenging Question of the Month:

I Want YOUR Words That Work in a Political Conversation (Yikes!)

Here's the scenario: You truly understand why people have difficulty in discussions about politics, sex and religion, but you also feel very strongly about your candidate of choice in this upcoming election. You have a VERY good friend who holds a 180 degree opposing view.  When they passionately espouse their position, and you deeply consider it to be WRONG, how do you respond?

I'll share some of the answers because I'm finding I could use some more great responses in my Communication Toolbox during this heated political season, and perhaps you could also.  As always, the answer selected will receive FABULOUS prizes worth hundreds of thousands of dollars!  Well. About $50, actually.

Teejay Update

I must tell you that I have been so deeply moved by how many of you have jumped in to help Teejay during this challenging time.  He is doing amazingly well in spite of his tremendous challenges and I stand in awe of his courage and commitment to regain his life.

As of today (9/3), and after 3 weeks in the hospital, he has undergone 2 rescissions and 3 surgeries.  A post surgery infection has complicated matters, and since he has diabetes, they are taking extra precautions to make certain he is strong enough before they release him to go home.  However, since his "home" was a second floor apartment in a building with no elevator, he is now facing a major move.  Upon his discharge from the hospital, he will fly to Arizona where he will be living for a while with his brother, sister-in-law and their children.  I cannot even imagine everything he must be going through.

To date we have received $5,520 (thank you ALL so much!).  My goal is to raise $10,000 which would cover all the costs associated with his prosthesis.  I can't wrap my brain around his other expenses, but I will accomplish this $10,000 goal if I have to sell lemonade on the street corner.  Hey, don't laugh!  I make a MEAN glass of lemonade!

If you haven't contributed yet, but would like to (and receive a collection of my books and products in return), please click here to join in and see what you'd receive:  http://www.contactlink.net. Every single donation, however small, gives Teejay the help he needs.  But more than that, it gives him comfort knowing that he does not have to travel this road alone.

I am profoundly grateful for your generosity.


Words That Don't Work: "I didn't mean anything by it."

You say something to someone and they interpret it as derogatory.  They get or act offended.  How many times have you then said something along the lines of, "Now don't get all upset.  I didn't mean anything by it. YOU'RE misinterpreting!"

Back up for a second.  Remember, there are 2 principles of communication that come in to play in every interaction:

1.    EVERYTHING communicates something (verbal, non-verbal, even silence!)
2.    The meaning of any piece of communication lies only in what the RECEIVER takes it to mean, regardless of the sender's intention.

So, if THEY took what you said to be a put down, then for them, it IS a put down.  And how do you deal with that?  See...

Words That Work: "I am so sorry my actions had this impact on you.  That certainly was not my intention."

When you use these words, just WATCH how fast the other person lets go of the issue.

Or you could use OTHER...

Words That Work: "I certainly understand why you would think that. If I was in your place, I might have thought the same thing."

Oh, I can hear you right now.  "Oh no, I wouldn't have thought that!  She is just so sensitive.  You can't say ANYthing to her that she doesn't take the wrong way."

Ahhhhhh.  But if you WERE in her place, if you were HER, mightn't you have truly thought the same thing?   And remember, if your intention is to have a positive, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship, then this response will help you achieve it. Conversely, if your intention is to be RIGHT (relationship be damned), then by all means, tell her that SHE is wrong for misinterpreting and watch THAT response further damage your relationship.

"But why should I have to go through all this and jump through so many hoops?" you ask?  See this month's...

PowerQuote

The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of your relationships.

"I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE NOT AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!"

He made a statement which I knew was wrong.  I calmly and evenly replied, "Really? I thought that was (X)."  At which point he responded with an incredibly condescending frown, a smirk and a snort, "I KNOW what I'm saying (unspoken, 'You, idiot').  Trust me, I'm RIGHT about this.  I am SO right about this. YOU are wrong."

Grrrrrrrrrr.  Every single cell in my body wanted to say, "Look, dog breath, the FACT is that YOU are WRONG!!!!  It's not (X), it's (Y)!!!!  And, PS, you really are a major JERK!"

Oh, great.  A jerk calling the jerk a jerk.

So, I took a deep breath and said, (and believe me, this one hurt) "Well, you may be right about that."

And there were times after that encounter when I wanted to send him an internet link which would have PROVEN how right I am, but I resisted.  Why?  Because the ONLY reason for my doing that was to get to be RIGHT and prove him WRONG.  In other words, for me to make him look bad.

NOT a great reason in the big picture of things.  Everybody else in the room already knew he was being rude and jerky.  I didn't need to jump up and shine a light on it.

I wanted to.  But I didn't need to.

So the next time you are tempted to PROVE someone wrong - just stop and check out your intention.  If it is to make the other person look BAD or be WRONG, then let it go, baby.

More Words That Work: "Good Point!"

I seem to learn a lot of great lessons at the gym.  Yesterday was no exception.

As we pumped along on our respective elliptical machines, my friend Diane made a comment to which I responded, after pondering it a brief moment, "Good point!"

Much to my surprise this incredibly brilliant, well read and highly accomplished women replied, "Gosh.  No one has said 'good point' to me in a long time."

Huh?  If not to her - then to whom?

And that made me think.  How many times do we HEAR a good point, we THINK it's a good point, but do not tell the person who SAID it that we believe it's a good point.

And here's the...uh...point.  We ALL enjoy having someone say that they hear the validity of a comment we make - EVEN the really smart people!

Best Advice Submissions:

Here are just a FEW of the submissions that people gave me in response to my call for Best Advice submissions in the last issue of Positively Speaking:  (And bear in mind that most people gave detailed explanations and powerful examples of how they came to embrace the advice they shared.)

1.    When my father told me to "marry someone who loves me."
2.    A scuba diving instructor who said that if you have to FORCE something - then stop and re-evaluate; something is not as it should be.
3.    Paddle with purpose
4.    In everything you do, do it as if your name is signed to it.
5.    (I love this one from a guy) "Easy.  My older brother saying, 'marry the girl!'"
6.    One person said that the best advice they ever received wasn't verbal. It was a powerful example of someone who truly walked their talk.
7.    Identify your passion, work hard at it.
8.    Don't sweat the small stuff.
9.    Don't be afraid of the unknown
10.    When "stuff" comes up during the day, say to yourself, "if this is the worst that happens today, it will be a good day."
11.    See God's expression of himself in everyone.
12.    Don't go to bed angry
13.    Always have a Plan B
14.    Great opportunities surround you every day that you can seize and use - if you pay attention to them.
15.    Be gracious, no matter what is going on around you

There were many more and I deeply thank you all for your thoughtful responses.  The winner has already been informed and has received their prize.  But a veeeeeeery interesting thing happened during this process.  To find out what that was, and what I created because of it - tune in for the next edition of Positively Speaking!

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